An open letter to TheFatCyclist a.k.a. Fatty
Consideration for placement on Team RideLikeAGirl
Your open letter to Johan Bruyneel really caught our eye. We felt your writing, as well as the fact you’re an Eagle Scout, was impressive. We also read Johan’s reply. We felt that while gracious, he could have been more accommodating to your request. We feel your willingness to sacrifice, as stated in your letter, along with your obvious qualifications should have garnered a more attainable reply from Team RadioShack.
So, we held a closed-door Executive Committee meeting. Long, passionate conversations ensued over several Fat Tire beers and we determined we would be interested in offering you a spot on our team. Team RideLikeAGirl. A lot of good information came up in the committee meeting, seems we got more acutely tuned in with each bottle.
Up until now, Team RideLikeAGirl hasn’t completed any pro races, but we feel with the addition of a skilled team member as yourself, we would finally have the motivation to go pro. Two possible obstacles came up, but we are solution-based problem-solvers and know we can find the answers. First off, would you be adverse to wearing a skirt? We can see from your photo with Lance that you already have a well-outfitted bike. (We had not yet considered baskets for the handle-bars, what an excellent idea.) We see this will be highly beneficial in reducing our dependency on the team car, something Lance might want to consider. (Team Car Twitpic)
While we feel that raising money for 2 great causes such as World Bicycle Relief and LiveStrong is highly commendable, being considered as an addition to our team won’t be as financially taxing. Just $500 to BikeSafe San Antonio by December 31st 2009. We were a little disturbed that Johan was not able to see your potential skills as a pro cyclist. We would be happy to award you title of Super Domestique with a victory against our current leader, pictured left. (However, as astute as your domestic skills are, we are girls after all and can probably smoke you in the shopping category.) We are in agreement with Johan when it comes to your medical assistance. We are currently unaware of proper treatment for the dreaded Purple Snipe Contusion (PSC), and would like you to head up some team clinics on this. Since you mentioned the strength of your leadership skills, as well as excellent penmanship, in your open letter to him, we feel assured you will prove to be an excellent asset to our team.
Again we would like to reiterate what a waste of talent it would be to overlook your obvious cycling skills and are prepared to offer you a lead position in all of our training rides you attend, which will start in January 2010. Due to our non-profit status, funds will be limited until we start receiving some race purses, so it will remain each team member’s personal responsibility to gain effective transportation to & from all training rides. I don’t believe raising the necessary funds for travel will be that big an obstacle for you to overcome, as you have already proven your incredible fund-raising abilities just earlier this week.
We would be happy to work around your scheduling limitations so long as you are willing to attend at least one Team RideLikeAGirl training ride per month, however the skirt is not optional. While I’ve heard of your tremendous negotiating prowess, I feel that in keeping with our hard-won cycling traditions with Ride Like A Girl, the skirt is too important a factor to compromise on. Our hope is that this won’t be a deal breaker, especially since it helps us color-coordinate much better & causes the cameras to inevitably hone in on our riders that much more. This is evidenced by the lower right-hand photo with the Mayor of San Antonio. (As you can see, he is partial to baskets on bikes, just like you!)
You had mentioned your desire to join a new team. As with Team RadioShack, Team RideLikeAGirl will be a new pro cycling team, so we would be counting on you to really put your stamp on us. We feel it would suit your goals that much more since we, unlike Team RadioShack, don’t already have riders that are household names in the cycling world. Who wants to ride in Lance & Levi’s shadow, anyway.
A special note, just to boost the benefits of joining our team right over the edge, we have already acquired a 50% off coupon from RadioShack to purchase walkie talkies and laser-pens, so long the purchase is completed by December 31st 2009. The rest of your future teammates are already putting together a bake sale to raise the necessary funds for the acquisition.
As you can tell, we are serious about gaining your acceptance of our offer. We believe joining Team RideLikeAGirl will be more in keeping with your unique personality & style. Aside from our occasional desire to ride wearing diamond tiaras, our teammates don’t struggle with prima-donna issues as much as the most recent winner of the TdF, (not to single Contador out intentionally).
Please get back to us at your earliest convenience so we can begin preliminary press releases.